Why I love Car & Driver

One of the best magazine publications of all time, Car & Driver I still love dearly, though I have defected to autoblog and jalopnik for my daily car news.

And this is why. A hilarious, informative and in my opinion accurate take on what exactly is wrong with Toyotas: the drivers.

Prius Next Up for Recall Hysteria, Could Corolla Be Next? [Editorial]

February 10, 2010 at 2:02 pm by Jared Gall

[An intro tallying the dizzying amount of previous Toyota recalls was here, but you already know what's going on, and we know you've had a hard day—Ed.] And now, the recall sharks are biting at the Prius, with approximately 133,000 2010 model-year cars being recalled to have an update performed on the anti-lock braking software.

The problem, it seems, is that “some 2010 model year Prius owners have reported experiencing inconsistent brake feel during slow and steady application of brakes on rough or slick road surfaces when the ABS is activated in an effort to maintain tire traction.”

Sigh.

Ladies and gentlemen, here is conclusive proof that nobody in a Prius has a freaking clue how to drive! What’s being described is, um, what ABS does. It senses individual wheels locking up and pulses those brakes. Assuming you are on a real road with real, inch-to-inch changes in coefficient of friction, that pulsing will result in real-time changes in the traction available to your tires and therefore inconsistent brake feel. Add in the fact that the Prius’s world-saving powers include a switch from regenerative braking to standard, friction-based braking, and you’ve got inconsistent brake feel. I’d guess this software upgrade Toyota is performing is going to remove every last ounce of pedal feel, making for the same complete lack of feedback during ABS operation as there is during regular braking. It seems that we’re really just trying to get these poor souls as far removed from the actual act of driving as possible. What, are they surprised, too, that turning that big round thing in front of them causes the car to change direction?!

I shouldn’t joke about that, actually. USA Today is reporting that some Corolla owners have now come forward (the brave, tormented souls that they are) with claims that their Toyotas “can wander when they drive on the highway, making it hard to stay in lanes.” Might I suggest putting down the bagel, the eyeliner, and the Danielle Steel novel? Perhaps steering with your hands, rather than your knees, might make your car more predictable.

USA Today says that Toyota has heard 83 complaints concerning power steering, most from owners concerned that the car can veer right or left at speeds over 40 mph. The claim is that this defect has caused 10 accidents and six injuries. My supposition is that those ten accidents were caused by drivers rooting through the glove box for a cell-phone charger while said phone is cradled against the shoulder, then dropping the charger on the floor (where, we might add, it would contact a floor mat. Blame the floor mat!) and continuing to dig for it. In those 15 seconds, our drivers have given only cursory thought—and not a single real glance—to the fact that they are piloting a 3000-pound projectile at 70 mph. [More like 60. And in the left lane in a 70 zone—Ed.]

The Corolla situation is compared in USA Today to “being buffeted by strong winds, sliding on black ice, or hydroplaning.” Those reporting the problem said that the car can overcorrect, and that it can require the driver “to use a tight, persistent, two-handed grip on the wheel to travel in a straight line.” Another called it “the most terrifying thing that ever happened to them.” That, we don’t doubt.

After all, we poor consumers have been the whipping boy for industry for decades, but now we can finally make Toyota take the blame for our atrocious driving habits. I say it’s time we ride this wave to its logical conclusion. Let’s get on LG to issue a recall for their big-screen TVs because the amount of time guys spend watching football; surely crazy microwaves emitted by the screen are slowly killing their brain cells. There’s no doubt that studies done by Nickelodeon scientists will turn up incontrovertible evidence of brain decay! (Meanwhile, anyone notice the ever-present Bud Light in hand?) Better yet, let’s all demand Pampers recall every single freaking thing they’ve ever made, because don’t we all just know the ugly truth? Diapers are causing our children to crap themselves! Think about it: Kids stop crapping their pants when we finally take them out of diapers!

Actually, maybe the solution is to put all these Toyota drivers back in their diapers, give them a pacifier, and tuck them in with the warm glow of a ladybug night light to put them to sleep.