Norm's Top 10 Worst Cars of All Time
So a little while ago (ok, over a year ago?) I did a post about 10 great performance bargains. This time, its the cars that should never have been built. Unlike most car-guy lists on the subject, I am going to try and focus on cars that have been built in recent memory and will ignore the oldies such as the Edsel and Mustang II. So here you go, the norman pantheon of crappy (not craptastic) vehicular transport.
10) suzuki x-90
The designer still has not figured out what he was trying to make. Long before the word "crossover" ever reached the American lexicon, and in fact long before the SUV buying spree hit its peak, Suzuki was already getting ready for the time when people would want a tall seating position but the features of a car.
The problem is, it took the worst of everything. It had 95hp lawnmower engine. It had a T-top (the Firebird called, it wants its roof back). It had a high seating position, rolled a lot, and then had a normal car trunk instead of a full SUV hatchback.
The finishing touch? It put the full spare inside the trunk, so there was no room in it. Glorious.
9 (tie) pontiac sunfire
Take one of the crappiest cars ever built - the Chevy Cavalier. Then make a sport/luxury version by making it look cross-eyed and designed by a 10 year old boy. Dont improve the engine, chassis, steering, suspension, or overall handling. Just sell it for more money, and a lot of idiots in Maine will buy one.
9 (tie) pontiac g3
Take one of the crappiest cars ever built - the Chevy Aveo. Then make a sport/luxury version by making it look just plain dumb. Dont improve the engine, chassis, steering, suspension, or overall handling. Just sell it for more money, and most of the idiots in Maine will buy one.
9 (tie) pontiac g5
Take one of the crappiest cars ever built - the Chevy Cobalt. Then make a sport/luxury version by.. well they really didn't do anything at all, I suppose they were tired of trying. Dont improve the engine, chassis, steering, suspension, or overall handling. Just sell it for more money, and most of the idiots in Maine will buy one. See the pattern?
8) saab 9-7x
Arguably the best Trailblazer ever built, it is absolutely the worst "Saab" ever made, because it was about as Sweedish as a meal of Slim Jims, Twinkies, and KFC. Of one of the many things GM has screwed up over the years, Saab was one of the most egregious, and one of my most loved brands (as I spent much of my childhood riding around in Saab 9000's, damn sweet cars for thier time, which have been barely updated.) The 9-7X is a testament to GM's corporate idiocy, and has barley sold any units. Let us hope Koeingsseggsegssg can do better.
7) Subaru Baja
I liked the Baja, until I found out that the pass through was the size of a letter box and that it cost $2,000 MORE than a subaru legacy outback wagon. So... you cut off the back roof, I cant fit large objects (like um...multiple pairs of skis) anymore, and you want me to pay for the privilege of looking like goofy wannabe hippie? Right... I think I will go take my $2,000 extra and buy a Ford Ranchero..
6) chevy HHR
The PT Cruiser was a success. So what did GM do? They hired the designer and had him transplant the PT Cruiser onto a Chevy Cobalt body. And then, they claimed the inspiration was 30's Suburbans. Insulting. I've riden in one, I felt like I was inside a coal car that had been turned into a prison cell, with small windows which you had no chance of seeing anything out of other than the sky. I actually dont hate the exterior styling that much, but if you ever sat in one of these you would understand my hatred. It is slated to be killed off next year, thankfully.
5 and 4 (tie) Chevy SSR and Plymouth Prowler
Factory built hod rods. Seems like a good idea. But dig a little deeper, and these rotten apples should have never been allowed past concept car stage.
Offender number 1: the SSR. This thing is based on GM's small pickup truck body. Yeah. Pickup truck. They actually sold it as a pickup as well. Does it look like a pickup? Does it have a useable rear bed? No and no. Problem was it drove like a small GM pickup (badly), albeit one with 350hp.
Then you have the Plymouth Prowler. Looks good. Looks real good actually. So why is it one of the 10 crappiest cars of all time?
First of all it looks good because it was a direct and unauthorized ripoff of a award winning Chip Foose design.
Then, they dropped in a 250hp v6, instead of the v8 which should have lived under the hood.
After which, they decided to emasculate the car with a automatic transmission as the only option in a purpose built sports car, and then topped it all off with a full serving of crappy handling and bad driving dynamics. It makes the list because this should have been one of my favorite cars of all time, but was killed by evil corporate beancounters who dont understand true market economics (the same guys who helped killed the american car industry overall, and gave us crappy American car after crappy American car for three decades.)
If you are going to make a retro sport coupe, please please give it a v8 with some power, and the option to have a manual.. and you know.. be sporty.
3) jaguar x-type
Take a 2nd gen Ford Mondeo. Make it cost $10,000 more. Make it look crappy and boring. Put a leaping cat on it. Sell it to the public. Continue selling it to the public even after the Mondeo gets a redesign, and is way better and still $10,000 cheaper. Make "sport" version of wagon by making roof rails chrome. Kill off the car because it was a complete and utter failure, and made the brand look crappy and hardly worth having in the driveway of your $5million house anymore. Such was the unhappy history of the crappiest Jag ever built, and yes, I am including the atrocious XJS. Thank God there is the new XF, and I hope the pain of the x-type fades quickly..
2) Geo Metro convertible
Take one of the crappiest cars ever built, one which has the structural rigidity of a toothpick house, and then cut off the roof. The end result is the structural equivalent of those new Poland Spring water bottles - 25% ligher, and guaranteed to crumple the second you touch it. Only thing is, you get to be inside the Geo when this happens. But really, the number one reason that this thing is on the list is because you have to be seen in it. To enjoy a convertible, you have to have the top down, and that means everyone can see you. That is absolutely the last thing you want to have happen when you are driving around in this junker.
1) trailblazer XUV
Do you regularly buy living Christmas trees? Are you a terracotta warrior collector? Do you have a hankering for an open-air Popemobile? Do you have a pet giraffe? If you answered no to the above questions, the Trailblazer XUV is one of the worst vehicles you could buy. It was a trailblazer with a roof on the back which slid forward to let you put in objects that were tall but could not be laid flat... like... a lit patio heater, a cursed native american totem pole, a pet NBA star, or your friend who refuses to sit down ever again because of a deathly fear of lint. I think that pretty much covers it. The downside was a ton of weight positioned at the worst possible point (the roof), instead of, oh I dont know, a crew cab Silverado pickup? Good call GM.
10) suzuki x-90
The designer still has not figured out what he was trying to make. Long before the word "crossover" ever reached the American lexicon, and in fact long before the SUV buying spree hit its peak, Suzuki was already getting ready for the time when people would want a tall seating position but the features of a car.
The problem is, it took the worst of everything. It had 95hp lawnmower engine. It had a T-top (the Firebird called, it wants its roof back). It had a high seating position, rolled a lot, and then had a normal car trunk instead of a full SUV hatchback.
The finishing touch? It put the full spare inside the trunk, so there was no room in it. Glorious.
9 (tie) pontiac sunfireTake one of the crappiest cars ever built - the Chevy Cavalier. Then make a sport/luxury version by making it look cross-eyed and designed by a 10 year old boy. Dont improve the engine, chassis, steering, suspension, or overall handling. Just sell it for more money, and a lot of idiots in Maine will buy one.
9 (tie) pontiac g3
Take one of the crappiest cars ever built - the Chevy Aveo. Then make a sport/luxury version by making it look just plain dumb. Dont improve the engine, chassis, steering, suspension, or overall handling. Just sell it for more money, and most of the idiots in Maine will buy one.
9 (tie) pontiac g5
Take one of the crappiest cars ever built - the Chevy Cobalt. Then make a sport/luxury version by.. well they really didn't do anything at all, I suppose they were tired of trying. Dont improve the engine, chassis, steering, suspension, or overall handling. Just sell it for more money, and most of the idiots in Maine will buy one. See the pattern?
8) saab 9-7x
Arguably the best Trailblazer ever built, it is absolutely the worst "Saab" ever made, because it was about as Sweedish as a meal of Slim Jims, Twinkies, and KFC. Of one of the many things GM has screwed up over the years, Saab was one of the most egregious, and one of my most loved brands (as I spent much of my childhood riding around in Saab 9000's, damn sweet cars for thier time, which have been barely updated.) The 9-7X is a testament to GM's corporate idiocy, and has barley sold any units. Let us hope Koeingsseggsegssg can do better.
7) Subaru Baja
I liked the Baja, until I found out that the pass through was the size of a letter box and that it cost $2,000 MORE than a subaru legacy outback wagon. So... you cut off the back roof, I cant fit large objects (like um...multiple pairs of skis) anymore, and you want me to pay for the privilege of looking like goofy wannabe hippie? Right... I think I will go take my $2,000 extra and buy a Ford Ranchero..
6) chevy HHR
The PT Cruiser was a success. So what did GM do? They hired the designer and had him transplant the PT Cruiser onto a Chevy Cobalt body. And then, they claimed the inspiration was 30's Suburbans. Insulting. I've riden in one, I felt like I was inside a coal car that had been turned into a prison cell, with small windows which you had no chance of seeing anything out of other than the sky. I actually dont hate the exterior styling that much, but if you ever sat in one of these you would understand my hatred. It is slated to be killed off next year, thankfully.
5 and 4 (tie) Chevy SSR and Plymouth Prowler
Factory built hod rods. Seems like a good idea. But dig a little deeper, and these rotten apples should have never been allowed past concept car stage.
Offender number 1: the SSR. This thing is based on GM's small pickup truck body. Yeah. Pickup truck. They actually sold it as a pickup as well. Does it look like a pickup? Does it have a useable rear bed? No and no. Problem was it drove like a small GM pickup (badly), albeit one with 350hp.
Then you have the Plymouth Prowler. Looks good. Looks real good actually. So why is it one of the 10 crappiest cars of all time?First of all it looks good because it was a direct and unauthorized ripoff of a award winning Chip Foose design.
Then, they dropped in a 250hp v6, instead of the v8 which should have lived under the hood.
After which, they decided to emasculate the car with a automatic transmission as the only option in a purpose built sports car, and then topped it all off with a full serving of crappy handling and bad driving dynamics. It makes the list because this should have been one of my favorite cars of all time, but was killed by evil corporate beancounters who dont understand true market economics (the same guys who helped killed the american car industry overall, and gave us crappy American car after crappy American car for three decades.)
If you are going to make a retro sport coupe, please please give it a v8 with some power, and the option to have a manual.. and you know.. be sporty.
3) jaguar x-type
Take a 2nd gen Ford Mondeo. Make it cost $10,000 more. Make it look crappy and boring. Put a leaping cat on it. Sell it to the public. Continue selling it to the public even after the Mondeo gets a redesign, and is way better and still $10,000 cheaper. Make "sport" version of wagon by making roof rails chrome. Kill off the car because it was a complete and utter failure, and made the brand look crappy and hardly worth having in the driveway of your $5million house anymore. Such was the unhappy history of the crappiest Jag ever built, and yes, I am including the atrocious XJS. Thank God there is the new XF, and I hope the pain of the x-type fades quickly..
2) Geo Metro convertible
Take one of the crappiest cars ever built, one which has the structural rigidity of a toothpick house, and then cut off the roof. The end result is the structural equivalent of those new Poland Spring water bottles - 25% ligher, and guaranteed to crumple the second you touch it. Only thing is, you get to be inside the Geo when this happens. But really, the number one reason that this thing is on the list is because you have to be seen in it. To enjoy a convertible, you have to have the top down, and that means everyone can see you. That is absolutely the last thing you want to have happen when you are driving around in this junker.
1) trailblazer XUV
Do you regularly buy living Christmas trees? Are you a terracotta warrior collector? Do you have a hankering for an open-air Popemobile? Do you have a pet giraffe? If you answered no to the above questions, the Trailblazer XUV is one of the worst vehicles you could buy. It was a trailblazer with a roof on the back which slid forward to let you put in objects that were tall but could not be laid flat... like... a lit patio heater, a cursed native american totem pole, a pet NBA star, or your friend who refuses to sit down ever again because of a deathly fear of lint. I think that pretty much covers it. The downside was a ton of weight positioned at the worst possible point (the roof), instead of, oh I dont know, a crew cab Silverado pickup? Good call GM.
Forget you, Norm. I love the Geo Metro Convertible. Great car for starters, nice and small. Most people can't afford expensive convertibles. Extremely easy on gas and very reliable. They are a bit too small... that is their one down-fall. A little dangerous... just drive CAREFULLY!
ReplyDeleteActually, I love small cheap convertibles, but not this one. Among other things, this one is just too dangerous: no matter what you do, someone can still hit you. You can pick up a Saab 900NG for about $1,500 (I did), or a E30 BMW, older Miata or VW Cabrio for a little more.
ReplyDelete