The Great Imposters: 10 Cars that Are Not What They Seem
Most cars are pretty much what they seem. You do your research, you talk to the sales guy, you talk to your friends, you watch your car commercials and you decide what you want to buy. In the end, you probably end up with what you wanted to end up with buying a new car. But sometimes, things are not as they seem.
You see, people tend to think about cars in terms of model years and features. And that's all that dealers talk about: "Oh yes, this is the new for 2010 Camcord, it comes with the V6 and performance package" etc etc. But its not how car companies think about cars. They think in terms of two big things: platforms and generations.
A platform is the basic underpinning of the car. They are generally shared between different cars, especially these days. An all-new platform is a huge investment (up to hundreds of millions of dollars) and so does not come around all that often. Cars and platforms go through generations. Often a new platform comes out, and then over a couple years all of the models are migrated over to it.
What I will show you here is a car which looks like one thing, but is really something else. Some of them may be obvious, but I hope some at least are not:
1) Bentley Continental
Ahh the conti, one of the most popular super luxury cars of the last 5 years. Its beautiful, it drives well, its a great car all around.
But what is it really? This:
Yeah. Not quite as sexy now huh? Its not the Passat, though you would be forgiven for thinking that. It is actually the VW Phaeton, the ill-fated attempt by the German makers of the people's car to build a luxury automobile. It is a $60,000 car, while the Conti sells for $150,000. What did they change? Well - they dropped in a more powerful engine.. and thats it. Other than of course the sheetmetal and the big "B" on the bonnet. You see, VW owns Bentley, had a lot of spare capacity in the plant from the slow selling Phaeton, and had bought the Bentley name without any cars to build other than the ancient and huge Arnage... out of that little perfect storm, some bright spark said "lets make a Bently out of the Phaeton" and it went on to sell 5,000 units a year the first few years... at almost three times the price of its not-quite-identical twin.
2) Jaguar X-Type
This is one of my most hated cars of all time. It might be my most hated car of all time. I really gooddamn hate this car. A lot. One time some kid offered to trade me his X-Type for my Audi S4. That would be like offering to trade me Bernie Madoff for Warren Buffet. Screw off. And why do I hate this thing so much? Because what it really is, is this:
Yes - the Ford Contour. Seriously. You can even see the resemblance.. which is ummm... sad. Before this, Jaguar was a luxury brand. Hell, the S-Type was a move 'down' and it sold for $45,000. This is like buying your Louis Vuitton purse on eBay - lets face it, we all know its not the real deal.
3) Infiniti G20
Ahh the G20 - sold in the early to mid-90's by Nissan's then young luxury brand Infiniti. Which was trying to build up its image and reputation. But it was obviously really just this POS:
Mmm... sexy.. or no, no wait. Its hideously ugly. And a terrible car. Look at those fog lights. They look like the aftermarket ones high school kids buy from walmart to sport up their ride - usually found not working and hanging down sideways.
4) Lexus ES350
Toyota has done a good job with this one for years - selling these things (ES300/330/350) as luxury cars when all they really are are trim levels for...
The Most Boring Car In The World. Well - unless the floor mat slips forward and you are too stupid to either slide the floor mat back or put the car in neutral. But yeah - to anyone who owns an ES350 - you own a Camry. Its a nice Camry - but lets not lie, its really just a Camry. 15 million other people in America have one too.
5) Hummer H2
Yeah - we all know the story here. Hummer was bought by GM as a civilian brand, rode the wave of patriotism and cheap credit, and the went bust hard along with supersized McDee's meals and political cooperation. The silly thing is that all it is, underneath it all, is one of these:
They made it boxier, put on some big tires and a bunch of offroading bits no one who drives an H2 has ever used, or even figured out how to turn on, and called it a day. So really, you are buying a boxy suburban.. which means you should have just bought my truck instead:
6) Scion Tc
You normally see these driven around with lots of go-faster bits and some kid with his hat on backwards. Its a sporty car, sold by an edgy youthful brand, it shows just how cool and badass a backwards-hat-wearer you are. But really, this one is an impostor in every way. It is not edgy, it is not powerful (160hp v4) and it is not a sports car. It is one of these:
The Toyota Avensis. The midsized sedan not sold in the US which splits the difference between the Camry and the Corolla. To make the Tc they just got rid of the rear doors, smoothed out the styling and added an option for a 500watt stereo system. Its is about as exciting, interesting, and sporty as my toenail clippings.
7) First Generation Audi TT
This is the car which sparked this post. The first-gen TT is a beautiful car, it really is. The interior as well is an all time classic. It is a beautiful thing, a work of art, and an iconic car.
What is isn't is a sports car, or an Audi. Its this:
Yup, its a Golf. Specifically a Golf GTI. Its not a "sports car" at all. Its a relatively inexpensive hot-hatch dressed up in some of the most gorgeous duds ever made. You see to save money on what was going to be a niche car - Audi never bothered developing the TT in any real way. They just drew some beautiful sheetmetal, made a great interior, dropped it on top of an unsuspecting Golf and called it a day. Eventually, when people complained that their $35,000 Golf was really a $20,000 Golf, Audi offered a more powerful engine, as an option you could pay more for. But it was not until the new generation (which really is a bona fide sports car) that they did anything substantial.
8) Porsche Cayenne
Keeping with the same theme... we have here the best selling luxury SUV of the last 10 years. Actually, that's a lie. Its the best selling SUV, to idiots. Among idiots, it has been incredibly popular. Specifically rich idiots, and semi-rich ones. Because, again, this is not a Porsche..
Its a Touareg. From VW again. But let me tell you some other interesting things. The base Cayenne literally is a Touareg - they changed nothing, absolutely nothing, except the sheetmetal and the badges. That's it. On top of that, the Cayenne is more expensive on average by about $5,000 for the same options. And the Cayenne has outsold the Touareg 2-1 since they were introduced. Last, but certainly not least, you are not even necessarily a rich idiot if you buy one, because the base Cayenne is the cheapest Porsche you can buy, even though it is a honking big SUV rather than a little coupe. Because it isn't a Porsche, its a VW. On top of which, it has the same power to weight ratio as my '96 Chevy Tahoe. Which is.. er.. sad.
If you own one of these (not the GTS or Turbo, the base one) please just don't talk about it. You look dumb when you say you paid $5,000 to put Porsche badges on your VW.
9) Devon GTX and a bunch of others
The Devon is just one example of what has become a full-blown epidemic: taking the Corvette (Z06/ZR1) or the Dodge Viper and making limited edition 'supercars' out of them. You see the current Viper and Vette are good enough to run with the big boys - they just dont have the badge and to some degree, the looks. Realizing that most rich people buying a sports car are really doing it to try and get their Au Pair to sleep with them, often no one even bothers to upgradge the performance of the car, they just triple or sextuple the price. But while they are often great cars, they are really just one of these.
Now I love both these cars - but if you want one just buy it. Hell, it probably even comes with a warranty from the US Government.
10) Dodge Charger
Ah the Challenger. Its big, its bold, it has the widest ass of any car on sale today.
But there are two things it very much is not. 1) Any kind of sports car. 2) A Dodge. Or even American for that matter.
You see, what is underneath the Challenger, and why it has consistently finished a very very weak third behind the new Mustang and Camaro in comparison tests, is this:
The 1995-2002 Mercedes E-Class. Yes. Seriously. Not fucking kidding. That's what they made the Dodge Challenger out of. Literally. Barely changed anything. Mercedes bought Chrysler, Chrysler had no money and shitty platforms, Mercedes gave Chrysler their old platforms to use after they were done with them. So what you are getting when you buy a Challenger is not an American muscle car, you are getting 15 year old warmed up German leftovers. MMmm old kraut..
You see, people tend to think about cars in terms of model years and features. And that's all that dealers talk about: "Oh yes, this is the new for 2010 Camcord, it comes with the V6 and performance package" etc etc. But its not how car companies think about cars. They think in terms of two big things: platforms and generations.
A platform is the basic underpinning of the car. They are generally shared between different cars, especially these days. An all-new platform is a huge investment (up to hundreds of millions of dollars) and so does not come around all that often. Cars and platforms go through generations. Often a new platform comes out, and then over a couple years all of the models are migrated over to it.
What I will show you here is a car which looks like one thing, but is really something else. Some of them may be obvious, but I hope some at least are not:
1) Bentley Continental
Ahh the conti, one of the most popular super luxury cars of the last 5 years. Its beautiful, it drives well, its a great car all around.
But what is it really? This:
Yeah. Not quite as sexy now huh? Its not the Passat, though you would be forgiven for thinking that. It is actually the VW Phaeton, the ill-fated attempt by the German makers of the people's car to build a luxury automobile. It is a $60,000 car, while the Conti sells for $150,000. What did they change? Well - they dropped in a more powerful engine.. and thats it. Other than of course the sheetmetal and the big "B" on the bonnet. You see, VW owns Bentley, had a lot of spare capacity in the plant from the slow selling Phaeton, and had bought the Bentley name without any cars to build other than the ancient and huge Arnage... out of that little perfect storm, some bright spark said "lets make a Bently out of the Phaeton" and it went on to sell 5,000 units a year the first few years... at almost three times the price of its not-quite-identical twin.
2) Jaguar X-Type
This is one of my most hated cars of all time. It might be my most hated car of all time. I really gooddamn hate this car. A lot. One time some kid offered to trade me his X-Type for my Audi S4. That would be like offering to trade me Bernie Madoff for Warren Buffet. Screw off. And why do I hate this thing so much? Because what it really is, is this:
Yes - the Ford Contour. Seriously. You can even see the resemblance.. which is ummm... sad. Before this, Jaguar was a luxury brand. Hell, the S-Type was a move 'down' and it sold for $45,000. This is like buying your Louis Vuitton purse on eBay - lets face it, we all know its not the real deal.
3) Infiniti G20
Ahh the G20 - sold in the early to mid-90's by Nissan's then young luxury brand Infiniti. Which was trying to build up its image and reputation. But it was obviously really just this POS:
Mmm... sexy.. or no, no wait. Its hideously ugly. And a terrible car. Look at those fog lights. They look like the aftermarket ones high school kids buy from walmart to sport up their ride - usually found not working and hanging down sideways.
4) Lexus ES350
Toyota has done a good job with this one for years - selling these things (ES300/330/350) as luxury cars when all they really are are trim levels for...
The Most Boring Car In The World. Well - unless the floor mat slips forward and you are too stupid to either slide the floor mat back or put the car in neutral. But yeah - to anyone who owns an ES350 - you own a Camry. Its a nice Camry - but lets not lie, its really just a Camry. 15 million other people in America have one too.
5) Hummer H2
Yeah - we all know the story here. Hummer was bought by GM as a civilian brand, rode the wave of patriotism and cheap credit, and the went bust hard along with supersized McDee's meals and political cooperation. The silly thing is that all it is, underneath it all, is one of these:
They made it boxier, put on some big tires and a bunch of offroading bits no one who drives an H2 has ever used, or even figured out how to turn on, and called it a day. So really, you are buying a boxy suburban.. which means you should have just bought my truck instead:
6) Scion Tc
You normally see these driven around with lots of go-faster bits and some kid with his hat on backwards. Its a sporty car, sold by an edgy youthful brand, it shows just how cool and badass a backwards-hat-wearer you are. But really, this one is an impostor in every way. It is not edgy, it is not powerful (160hp v4) and it is not a sports car. It is one of these:
The Toyota Avensis. The midsized sedan not sold in the US which splits the difference between the Camry and the Corolla. To make the Tc they just got rid of the rear doors, smoothed out the styling and added an option for a 500watt stereo system. Its is about as exciting, interesting, and sporty as my toenail clippings.
7) First Generation Audi TT
This is the car which sparked this post. The first-gen TT is a beautiful car, it really is. The interior as well is an all time classic. It is a beautiful thing, a work of art, and an iconic car.
What is isn't is a sports car, or an Audi. Its this:
Yup, its a Golf. Specifically a Golf GTI. Its not a "sports car" at all. Its a relatively inexpensive hot-hatch dressed up in some of the most gorgeous duds ever made. You see to save money on what was going to be a niche car - Audi never bothered developing the TT in any real way. They just drew some beautiful sheetmetal, made a great interior, dropped it on top of an unsuspecting Golf and called it a day. Eventually, when people complained that their $35,000 Golf was really a $20,000 Golf, Audi offered a more powerful engine, as an option you could pay more for. But it was not until the new generation (which really is a bona fide sports car) that they did anything substantial.
8) Porsche Cayenne
Keeping with the same theme... we have here the best selling luxury SUV of the last 10 years. Actually, that's a lie. Its the best selling SUV, to idiots. Among idiots, it has been incredibly popular. Specifically rich idiots, and semi-rich ones. Because, again, this is not a Porsche..
Its a Touareg. From VW again. But let me tell you some other interesting things. The base Cayenne literally is a Touareg - they changed nothing, absolutely nothing, except the sheetmetal and the badges. That's it. On top of that, the Cayenne is more expensive on average by about $5,000 for the same options. And the Cayenne has outsold the Touareg 2-1 since they were introduced. Last, but certainly not least, you are not even necessarily a rich idiot if you buy one, because the base Cayenne is the cheapest Porsche you can buy, even though it is a honking big SUV rather than a little coupe. Because it isn't a Porsche, its a VW. On top of which, it has the same power to weight ratio as my '96 Chevy Tahoe. Which is.. er.. sad.
If you own one of these (not the GTS or Turbo, the base one) please just don't talk about it. You look dumb when you say you paid $5,000 to put Porsche badges on your VW.
9) Devon GTX and a bunch of others
The Devon is just one example of what has become a full-blown epidemic: taking the Corvette (Z06/ZR1) or the Dodge Viper and making limited edition 'supercars' out of them. You see the current Viper and Vette are good enough to run with the big boys - they just dont have the badge and to some degree, the looks. Realizing that most rich people buying a sports car are really doing it to try and get their Au Pair to sleep with them, often no one even bothers to upgradge the performance of the car, they just triple or sextuple the price. But while they are often great cars, they are really just one of these.
Now I love both these cars - but if you want one just buy it. Hell, it probably even comes with a warranty from the US Government.
10) Dodge Charger
Ah the Challenger. Its big, its bold, it has the widest ass of any car on sale today.
But there are two things it very much is not. 1) Any kind of sports car. 2) A Dodge. Or even American for that matter.
You see, what is underneath the Challenger, and why it has consistently finished a very very weak third behind the new Mustang and Camaro in comparison tests, is this:
The 1995-2002 Mercedes E-Class. Yes. Seriously. Not fucking kidding. That's what they made the Dodge Challenger out of. Literally. Barely changed anything. Mercedes bought Chrysler, Chrysler had no money and shitty platforms, Mercedes gave Chrysler their old platforms to use after they were done with them. So what you are getting when you buy a Challenger is not an American muscle car, you are getting 15 year old warmed up German leftovers. MMmm old kraut..
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