Quotable Brits, for $600 please

Doug Larson (1902 – 1981) was an English racer, and apparently highly quotable. The one that caught my eye (as in was on a quote of the day today) was "Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks." I still think that is the best of the bunch, but there are many other highly amusing wisecracks. Read on,..

• A lot of people mistake a short memory for a clear conscience.

• A pun is the lowest form of humor, unless you thought of it yourself.

• A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success!

• A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows.

• Establishing goals is all right if you don't let them deprive you of interesting detours.

• Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.

• For disappearing acts, it's hard to beat what happens to the eight hours supposedly left after eight of sleep and eight of work.

• Heredity is a splendid phenomenon that relieves us of responsibility for our shortcomings.

• Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog.

• If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day weekend.

• If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles.

• If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.
  • If the English language made any sense, a catastrophe would be an apostrophe with fur.

• Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.

• It is a wise man who knows the difference between free speech and cheap talk.

• It took a genius to develop an aspirin bottle that couldn't be opened by a child capable of operating a VCR.

• Larson's Bureaucratic Principle: Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties.

• Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.

• More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse.

• Nostalgia is a file that removes the rough edges from the good old days.

• Real elation is when you feel you could touch a star without standing on tiptoe.

• Some of the world's greatest feats were accomplished by people not smart enough to know they were impossible.

• Spring is when you feel like whistling even with a shoe full of slush.

• The aging process has you firmly in its grasp if you never get the urge to throw a snowball.

• The cat could very well be man's best friend but would never stoop to admitting it.

• The difference between estimated miles per gallon and what you actually get is about like the difference between salary and take-home pay.

• The only nice thing about being imperfect is the joy it brings to others.

• The reason people blame things on the previous generation is that there's only one other choice.

• There must be a happy medium somewhere between being totally informed and blissfully unaware.

• The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

• The trouble with learning from experience is that you never graduate.

• The world is full of people looking for spectacular happiness while they snub contentment.

• To err is human; to admit it, superhuman.

• Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, opulence is when you have three — and paradise is when you have none!

• Wisdom is the quality that keeps you from getting into situations where you need it.

• Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you'd have preferred to talk.

• What some people mistake for the high cost of living is really the cost of high living.